Monday, January 31, 2011

I'm hoping that you are not expecting a decision to have been made regarding the Duke. I have weighed up both the reasons for and against this Grande Tour and am unable to think objectively. It's the Duke! How can I not want to travel the Continent with him? How would I be able to cope here in the North knowing that the Duke was journeying through countries I can barely imagine? Even more so, how could I bear to live in the Shire, my home, with all the memories that I have of the Duke, not knowing when he would return, if at all?

Then again, I am still so angry at the situation that he has put me in! How dare he?! Years I have waited for a tiny semblance of his love for me, and even now I doubt that it is love spurring him on. It is not how I expected; a proposal to deny my family name and not be formally united with his own? He knows my disdain for convention but I cannot lie to myself when it is my heart at stake. 

I can't understand why I'm stalling and refusing to be honest and upfront with the Duke. Why can I not mention the word 'marriage' without blushing and feeling like a child? Of course he needs to escape from his ruined engagement and I am proud of him for taking charge but it's his life he's running away from. I love my life, I don't want to run away.

Is it wrong that I keep making excuses to not go with him? If I wanted to go with him I would, wouldn't I? Impulsive decisions are my forte but I can't ever give myself a straight answer, and for a change I don't want to do anything rash! How I wish Harlequin and the Court Jester were around to placate me and help me with this arduous task! I miss them both bitterly and darling Lady Lina is being a saint helping out at orphanages and work houses, so I feel that my problems are rather trivial in comparison! I know I could write to the Baroness or Marquessa but I can't let them know for fear of my Mother finding out! 

It's true that all of my non-decision making has leant heavily on my feelings for the Duke and I don't think that the musician should be a factor at all but I cannot help but long to see him and it pains me when I am not with him and his friends. I care about them so deeply and yet I can't ask for their help either. The musician would beg indifference and that would hurt and no doubt cause me to leave and I don't want to.


I said it.

I don't want to leave.


D. S. 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

So the Duke has responded to my letter. I have not the strength to post it all here, but I will fill you in with the gist of it.

Apparently his birthday festivities have been cancelled. He is leaving for the Continent in a few weeks to partake in a Grande Tour of Europe. He does not know his purpose or how long he will be abroad for, he only knows that he wants to escape the trivialities that come with his post. The pressure of marriage, of propriety, of social conventions that date back to the Dark Ages.

He asked me to leave with him.

I'd be forsaking my family name, ruining any connections that I have made for my family here in the North, abandoning the burgeoning relationships that may or may not be. If I left with the Duke I would see the world, spending my days with the one lover that I never forgot, the one man who has always been completely honest with me, never expecting anything from me. Until now.

How on earth can he ask me to give up my entire life for him? I thought that this was what I always wanted but it seems not. Is it the commitment that I am afraid of? My reputation has suffered brutally when I have given into my body's longings, but I have survived, just about. Yet to leave with the Duke would destroy any possibilities of salvaging what I have left, and destroy his own reputation in the process. Would it be worth it?

There is something else that is making me hesitant about my decision. The musician. Can I just pack all my belongings and leave him? I'm far too optimistic about what is going on between us (so far nothing) but I do enjoy spending time with him and the other musicians. I snuck out the other night and heard the musician and some of the others playing and singing in a tavern. I couldn't help myself even though I know it was silly of me, but we ended up having a lovely time and the musician was almost friendly to me!

It is difficult for me to do justice to the platonic relationship that I have with the musician, I don't know what I want from him or him from me. Yet I am happiest when spending time with him and his friends. Can these friendships mean so much to me that I give up on any chance of a relationship with the Duke, even though I know that wanting the musician is futile? Or do I risk it, leaving my beloved Shire and the North that I have grown to accustomed to behind, on a whim of the Duke's?


D. S.

Friday, January 21, 2011

I apologise for the length of time it has taken me to inform you of my Northern adventures! The days have slipped by me, and I have already heard plans for February and had to organise my own. I don't understand where the time goes!

However, there is much to discuss from the past fortnight and unfortunately not all of it is pleasing! No doubt you will have noticed the slander that has cropped up after my mention of Fanny Hill. I agree that I might have taken it a little bit too far; I was angry and upset at the time and clearly wasn't thinking straight. I'm not going to deny my intrigue, but with my reputation in tatters I think it is best I leave the romantic literature for those of lesser upbringing. (It is true, Mother has no idea about my behaviour in the North, and I would be dreadfully embarrassed if she were to find out).

There have also been some intriguing advancements with both the Duke and musician. That makes it sound like a military tactic, though I suppose I'm trying to choose wisely; using my head instead of my heart, which frequently makes mistakes, or giving in to my lust which just ends up sullying my reputation.

Nevertheless, I seem to have already made a few mistakes with the musician. Apparently he does not appreciate my candid manner at turning up uninvited to events, and maybe I could do with a more subtle approach, but we should all know by now that that is all a part of my charm! I tried to pop into the library to surprise him with a little gift yesterday, a token of my admiration but he was no where to be found! Was rather surprised as he is normally predictable -  no doubt he is avoiding me - or, it is more likely that he didn't think anything of it for he doesn't care!

The Duke on the other hand has been rather removed from my life, though this lack of contact after the Christmas festivities has actually made me more interested in what he wants from me. Unless of course that is his ploy after all! I sent him a letter, not more than a few days ago, saying I was looking forward to seeing him for his birthday - already planning for the Spring - but I have yet to receive correspondence, though hopefully it will be soon.

I have yet to return to rowing, there seems to be a tension in the air with how much work every has to do, preparations for life it seems, something that I don't apparently need (not that I would heed the notion). 

There are many things to do this weekend; friends to see, cake to sample - the simple pleasures in life! Hopefully going to bump into the musician, although I am not going to make any more of an effort than usual, if it happens, it happens. And maybe the Duke will reply to my letter and distract me! If only.


D. S. 

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Ignored by the musician. Unimpressed doesn't even begin to cover it. I am tempted to go on a rampage to prove a point, but that would go against my New Year's Resolutions (which there are many) and I do not want to admit that he is having an impact on my emotions!

I know he is working hard, and unlike me does not appreciate distractions, but I am so angry and hurt and jealous. There are not enough words in the world to describe how I feel right now.


I apologise about my rant. I know that I should be able to cope with being ignored; it is not the first time, nor will it be the last and who knows how I even feel about this frustrating musician... Other than God.

Speaking of God, this afternoon has passed while I have perused many books in the library. My most interesting find, for it must be called that, is a romance novel about a young girl called Fanny Hill. I suppose that 'romance novel' is probably the wrong term, and though I didn't manage to read it all I can only imagine what course it took... I found it very interesting, but when I inquired after it to my tutor I received a firm telling off and was made to promise to confess my sins!

Is it wrong that I find this rather amusing? Of course, I am even more intrigued as to the novel, though I have subsequently found out that it is to be banned! And if I am to confess for reading about carnal activity, Lord only knows how a priest would react to my own devious past!

I can see the room where the musician is at work, the door is ajar and my heart is beating subtly faster, but I daren't make my presence known. I refuse to fawn over any man.


D. S. 

Monday, January 03, 2011

Happy New Year!

It's only taken me a few days to recover from the drunken debauchery that was New Year's Eve, and as I promised, it will be worth the wait!

As you can see, I have spruced things up a little bit; if I can't change my lifestyle I may as well do it in style!

We had a few glorious days which caused the snow to melt and meant that New Year's Eve almost felt balmy in comparison to Christmas Day! (And in hindsight I completely blame the temperature for all the skin that was bared that evening, and the clothes that still seem to be missing!)

The evening was spent with the finest lords and ladies of the Shire. Some of whom I haven't laid eyes on in months! My Darling Baroness opened her home to the drunken revelry that I brought unannounced, for which I apologise, but it seemed that we managed to mix rather well!

The Duke was there. Of course. It seems like it wouldn't be a New Year's Eve without the obligatory pang in my chest, although this year I refrained from telling him I loved him! I believe that is what one calls progress?

We were not joined by the Officer who is away on a Call of Duty, nor the Scottish Earl whose amorous intentions have more than waned. Though that is probably for the best, for I want this new year to succeed in moulding a new me and I could do without the temptations!

No midnight kiss shared with anyone - I actually missed the countdown but I daren't explain - nor anything else remotely vulgar! For playing games under the stars with your closest friends, regardless of how scantily clad, is nothing but innocent! 

I didn't wake up alone, but that there were four of us in a bed... Well think what you will!

I go back up North tomorrow and I have a slight feeling of trepidation. I am leaving behind the Duke who I never thought would be free for the taking, and I suppose he still isn't. He does have a slight superiority complex to say the least, though that could be his way of coping with the dissolution of his engagement! I do wonder what she did, for how can he even hint at wanting to be with me, when he knows me better than anyone else? Of course he is always above reproach but I, on the other hand, well, we all know what I'm like!

And then there is the musician. I have not heard from him once since I returned to the Shire, and normally I would be put out by this obvious neglect. Yet I have been in close correspondence with a shared friend, and it seems that he is working away at something, barely leaving the music room to eat. 

It's inspiring to hear about someone who is so passionate about something other than social conventions!

I wonder if I can entice him away for a brief rendez vous when I return... I normally have to compete against other women, not some other fancy. Though I know that word doesn't do this musician justice!

I'm looking forward to seeing my ladies when I return to the North. I hope my Lady Lina will let us throw her a birthday party, or I might even try my hand at cooking for her! (No one was more surprised than I to find I quite enjoy cooking). I hope she has had the most perfect birthday today! Oh these archaic times where I cannot talk to her and wish her the very best! I suppose I'll just have to wait a few more days.

Until then, I shall leave to go and oversee the packing. Don't want to leave anything behind for it will be a while before I return to the Shire, but I am so looking forward to this year's mis-adventures!


D. S.