Thursday, December 29, 2011

New year's resolutions... I suppose I should have a fair few in mind before the end of the month and the end of the year creeps up on me unknowingly.

1. I shall not give my heart away to every man who tells me that he loves me.

2. Never again shall I be manipulated by those with cruel intentions.

3. This year I shall make some progress with the direction I want the rest of my life to go.

4. I shall decide on a county or even a country to live in for more than a year.

5. Labouring shall come to an end in the next year, and governing children shall take over my life... I think.


D. S.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Darlings I did something terribly irresponsible, highly dangerous, and unbelievably breathtaking today...

I jumped off a waterfall into the blue depths beneath, fully clothed on the whim of my darling brunette who has somehow sneaked back into my life. Is she replacing the void that the young Captain has left? I do not know, but I welcomed her back with open arms, and as of yet, I do not think this was a mistake.

The waterfall was a gorgeous colour of blue, the water ice-cold despite the warmth of the sun beating on my bare skin, and only moments later my olive-skinned brunette dove in after me. The more time I spend in the Antipodes the more I fall in love with it, just as the more time I spent with the young Captain, the more I fell in love with him...

Christmas day was spent with family, and eventually we watched the sunset over the sea, which of course reminded me of the young Captain... Again and again I have to remind myself that our relationship is over and though I pine for him daily there is nothing I can do. 

Even the Christmas letterling of good tiding wasn't enough to pacify my longing for him. I want to see him, to hold him, to gain back his trust and call him my own after that flirtatious altercation... Is that really too much to ask for at this time of year?

Apparently so, because I haven't the strength to send him a note asking him how he is... Or rather I haven't the strength to deal with his rejection once again, there are only so many times one can be ignored. The musician proved that often enough.

Do I sound bitter? I don't want to, especially when I've had the most wonderful few days! The brunette is keeping her distance, friendship is all that seems to be on her mind, though I don't completely trust her. But it is good to have her back, she reminds me of the Shire and the Northern counties that I have left behind... Though six months more and I shall once again set foot on English soil. 

I wonder if I will have won my young Captain back by then? Who knows what the New Year will bring...


D. S.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas darlings! Can you believe that this time last year I was tucked up in bed pining for the Duke and wishing you all a wonderful day?

Not much has changed, I still wish you all the best of Christmases, but though my pining for the Duke has subsided, of course there is still a craving for someone I do not have. Are we ever truly satisfied?

This year my heart aches for the young Captain, and though he did not respond to my letterling per se, he did wish me a merry Christmas. I suppose it's that time of year where he wants to leave things admirably, and I'm touched that he included me in his Christmas wishes, but I want more! I always want more...

My hours of labouring have ceased for the Christmas period, but I know that at work every time I looked down the market I expected to see the young Captain walking towards me. I felt a pang in my chest every time I saw someone of the same build and colouring and was disappointed at every turn. 

No one could have predicted that an evening out with my brother, the brunette (who has seemed to have calmed down in her obsession with me) her fiancé and a few other revellers in the city would mean a chance meeting with the young Captain. More than anything I was worried about seeing the Stone Mason who I have been ignoring after choosing the young Captain, especially as he lives on the South Side of the bridge...

However, seeing the Captain for the most fleeting of moments stopped my heart, and I couldn't really enjoy the celebrations of having my brother in the Antipodes. My Father and Brother have now been here for a few days and it is wonderful having everyone together for Christmas, but they brought stories of the Shire and I truly miss the Winter and all my Ladies. 

No fretting. It is Christmas day and the sun is shining! I have all my family with me and though I am not with all those I love I hope they know they are in my thoughts... Especially the young Captain.


D. S.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I have always tried to ignore what other people think of me; for one my reputation has always preceded me, and secondly, if I listened to all the vicious rumours then I would probably find it difficult to get out of bed...

But now, twelve thousand miles away from home I don't have my friends to comfort me when the rumours reach my ears, nor do I have the strength to defend  myself... Especially when half the scandals I hear are true.

The young Captain sent me a brief letterling after four days of silence only to humiliate me further. He said I was an embarrassment; not because of my intoxicated behaviour but more because of my inability to keep my flirtatious charms to a minimum. He didn't know what to expect, but it was certainly not having to vie for my attentions and compete with the other members of his crew. Nor did he count on having to take me home earlier than he would have liked.

I cannot deny any of these occurrences. Flirting to me is has honey to the bee, impossible to have one without the other, but I would have never taken it any further. An affair is not what I am after, I chose this young Captain because I care about him, he was always going to be the man I went home with, regardless of a little harmless flirting.

It is difficult to think about anything else, but I have the perfect distraction because my Father and Brother arrived in the early hours of the morn for a few of the Christmas weeks. I am finding such solitude in my family, but still I wish there was someone to talk to; Belle would understand my dilemma entirely, and the Coxswain would laugh at this Captain's misfortune at misunderstanding me... Surely he cannot expect me to change my entire personality for a relationship that hasn't even started yet?

My Shire darlings would coddle me and make me feel better but I have to stand firm on my own two feet and decide what to do. More decisions. Would I have had this jealousy problem with the Stone Mason? Normally it is I that suffers silent pangs of envy, but I know that wasn't my intention... I thrive on attention, it makes me happy, surely the Captain would want me to be happy? Though when I asked him this he answered, 'am I not enough to make you happy?'

I don't know. Honestly, he does make me happy, but with all the pressure of a relationship, I'm finding the whole concept rather daunting. This really isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be.


D. S.

Friday, December 16, 2011

With hindsight it is easier to laugh at my previous musings. Of course I was never going to change, that was purely wishful thinking.

I have not reneged on my decision to choose the young Captain. I still want him and care for him, but it seems that he has moved on. There is more to it than that, but my cheeks flush with embarrassment at the thought of mentioning my heinous actions at the Rowing Ball he so kindly invited me too.

Many a drink was consumed, which of course should be no excuse, but it meant that I may have exercised my charm and flirtation skills rather emphatically with other members of my Captain's crew. He was less than impressed.

I did nothing truly untoward, only enjoy the company of the strapping young men; each better looking than the one before, and not one of them under twenty-one. The age shouldn't matter, I know this, but my young Captain's age only became more apparent as I talked to the rest of his crew... Just as I know now that I am trying to convince myself I wasn't too badly behaved. 

Unfortunately I have to admit to my mistakes, of which there were many that night. 

The young Captain has taken it upon himself to ignore my many apologies, though I cannot say that I blame him... I wish I could win back his affections, though I know not how!

In the midst of all these emotional turmoil, I had a splendid few days with the Gameskeeper's cousin. We wined,  dined and danced our way through the cream of the Antipodean society and it was wonderful to see a familiar face. But even with all the fun I've been having it has not proved to be a large enough distraction from my blundering ways.

No mistake was made in choosing the young Captain. I know more than ever before that I made the right decision, but I just hope I have not ruined what could have been...


D. S.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Guilt is a strange concept for one who has never thought much of it. Only with him did I ever feel guilty and I did my utmost to refrain from his touch.

Now I have the dilemma of both the new Captain and the Stone Mason, though thankfully they are both single men whom I have the right to flirt with. And I had every intention to give in to their seductions without a second thought... Or so I had been led to believe.

Nay, I have not fallen foul to more despicable lies of secret betrothals, but rather I thought I could cope with having the two suitors at my beck and call. It seems I was wrong.

Though I have known the Stone Mason for longer I feel that the Captain has made more of an impact on my life. I thought his fawning would irritate me but he has a naive charm that I couldn't help but fall for. It hadn't really occurred to me, how much I cared for him, until I saw the Stone Mason again and felt an undeniable guilt at the secret I was keeping from my darling Captain!

It was the remorse that ate away at my soul as I smiled a blank smile at the Stone Mason, imagining the pain I was putting my innocent Captain in, if he ever found out. I cut my rendez vous with the Stone Mason short with a hurried excuse and scrawled the Captain a note. Thankfully I never sent it to him because it sounded far too much like a love letter, and I'm not in love with him.

Mother told me she was proud of my decision, even if it took me longer than most to finally make a volition. I was still a little apprehensive about choosing the Captain as my only suitor; his age, naivety, innocence, surely they should count against him?

Little did he know of the dilemma ravaging inside my head, yet still my eighteen year old Captain caught me by surprise and proved my decision right. The other evening he whisked me away without a single question and took me across the country to the West Coast to watch the sunset. Truly, you have never been alive until you have witnessed a sunset in the Antipodes. I was so happy I thought my cheeks were on fire from smiling and my heart would burst with happiness. 

Never before have I been treated such by a suitor... My young Captain has raised my expectations, though I don't want anyone else to even bother trying at the moment. I am perfectly happy with him. I hope I do him justice at the Rowing Ball tomorrow night. I would love to be at his side and make him proud. 

If only all my Ladies of the Shire were with me and could share in my happiness. I fear I may be changing slightly, maybe even growing up! Wouldn't that be rather paradoxical if my darling eighteen year old Captain helped me to mature?


D. S.

Monday, December 05, 2011

I wish I could tell you that I have chosen the eighteen-year old Captain. I wish it were easy to disregard the Stone Mason whose amours had been rather quiet of late. However, the Stone Mason's latest plea has called for a rendez vous this evening and I tremble at the thought of seeing him! 

What does this mean?

My young Captain barely leaves my side, holding my hand and opening doors like a true gentleman, not leaving me a moment's thought for the Stone Mason. Tonight however, I have gleaned a spare few hours and am going to spend some time with the unveiled Stone Mason. I'm hoping the difference in my two suitors will become apparent and help me choose one of them.

I'm not used to having two at a time, or at least not used to having two rather serious beaux... All other situations have focussed purely on the more physical and carnal attributes of our souls! These two men are both treating me like a Queen and I have to admit that I adore all this attention.

The brunette, who no longer deserves any epithets, slunk back to her own home in the middle of the night without so much of a goodbye. I can't say I'm surprised. She does nothing that you would expect her to and I'm glad to be rid of her. She was ever so belligerent towards the end, though of course I wouldn't expect any less from her. I no longer expect anything from her. 

Do I sound bitter? I don't mean to be. We've had our time together, but it was high time for her to leave. She was getting far too involved in my life and she has a life of her own to get on with... And I don't want to be a part of it. That chapter has closed.

I send love across the Seven Seas to my Father on his birthday today. I wish I could be with him, but I know he'll be joining me in a few weeks. Him and my Carpenter brother. I truly look forward to their arrival, and I know Mother will be delighted. I wonder how well my young Captain and my brother will get on considering they are the same age...


D. S.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Decision making is clearly not my forté... For how long do you think I can get away with stringing these two wonderful gentlemen along before it becomes obvious to me that I like one more than the other?

Already my Mother has told me that she thinks the Captain has truly captured my heart and though I do spend more time with him than the lowly Stone Mason, I am slightly afeared by his overzealousness. I adore being worshipped, but I'd prefer to be loved, and after two short weeks, there is no way to tell if the one shall evolve into the other.

The darling eighteen year old Captain has accompanied me to the City on more than one occasion buying me presents and treating me far better than I have ever been treated before. I know this shouldn't come as a surprise, but I had truly thought all the good men had been taken already... Then again, he is only eighteen. He hasn't yet had the chance to develop nasty habits like the Peacock Gentleman, for example.

I am, however, doing my best to keep the Captain on the North side of the bridge, away from the the haunts of the Stone Mason. I would hate for the two of them to accidentally meet! The Stone Mason has of course kept in touch but his work keeps him at bay and of course he doesn't know to fight for me... Not that I truly want them fighting, but because they are so different and propose different aspects to my life I would hate to lose either of them.

Speaking of losing someone, my brunette lover has leached herself into my life with even more intensity as she feels me slipping away. Although she still shares my bedchamber with me and does her best to irk my attention, she has failed in any part to poison my mind away from them. I still do not understand her vendetta, nor do I want to. By ignoring her she loses the power she once had over me, though it does make me sad to remember the times we once had... But I suppose relationships that start with a ménage a trois and Irish cream were never destined to end well!

December is upon us and I can't believe how soon it shall be before we have had Christmas and are in a New Year... Do you think I stuck to my resolutions from the start of the year? 


D. S.