Monday, January 30, 2012

I've just crawled from the olive-skinned brunette's bed in the hope of some breakfast before lounging at the beach all day today.

I cannot understand where January has disappeared, it seems to be an inebriated blur of scandal and debauchery... If only I could say I felt somewhat guilty, but that would be a lie. In this world where life is short, I may as well make the most of every moment.

Boundaries have been set with the Captain and we are now just friends. If you read my previous post it sounds like I should be grateful for his friendship, or indeed the friendship of any man. But of course the one person who I would want more of a relationship with, wants nothing more to do with me. I think the Greek gods of Comedy may be watching over me and enjoying the irony of my situation.

Of course I don't help my situation by accompanying foreign dignitaries to a Ball at one of the only palaces in the whole of the Antipodes... If anyone remembers what I was like over a year ago... Let's just say somethings never change. The evening was wonderful and I do hope to spend more time with  the foreign dignitaries, two brothers in particular. Indeed a Ball was just what I needed after the rather more relaxed days I have been having with the brunette. I feel I judged her too harshly and I must remember that she too is in a foreign land away from home.

I have no idea what to say about the Captain. If the Greek gods are truly determining my life at the moment I could believe I was suffering from a mild case of hubris... Would that be deserved?

I wish I had Belle to comfort me, I miss her dreadfully and Armiger! Why do we have to be 12,000 leagues apart when it feels as if they are safely tucked away inside my heart?

Four more months is all I have left in the Antipodes... Who knows what may happen. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If only I had the ability to go back in time and rectify some of my mistakes... I may not have ended up in this heartfelt anguish.


D. S.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

This is going to sound dreadful but sometimes I wish people purely wanted friendship from me, not my body nor a physical relationship. I have whined about this to the olive-skinned brunette a few times who just laughs in my face, and the nun writes letters to me telling me to keep chaste until I find someone worth having.

It's such a ridiculous problem, but I miss the company of Armiger and the Court Jester, the musician, Gameskeeper and Brewer, each a gentleman and close friend in their own right, without the rigours of amorous play... Maybe I shouldn't include the musician, but he was the one that wanted friendship and I took that for granted.

Now I have met wonderful Antipodean men, each with incredible stories to tell, short quips to make me laugh and the time and enthusiasm to show me the country I am slowly falling in love with, but they drown me in attentions I do not want.

Can a man and woman not be friends in this part of the world without some sort of sexual intention?

I feel objectified, as if I am nothing more than a future plaything for some gentleman, courting me with a furore that English men lack. At first I enjoyed the not-so-subtle intentions but it has become tedious for I can do no chasing when it is offered to me on a plate. 

I suppose this is why I still have feelings for the Captain. I had to fight for him. I have to fight for him still. Though I refuse to ruin our new-found friendship to satisfy my lust... (Though I know I'm being flippant, he means more to me than just a roll in the hay.)

But he has made it clear that friendship is all he wants, and though I am a little disappointed, more of me is relieved to have him back in my life at all. There was a moment when I thought I'd destroyed any semblance of a relationship with him and it hurt to think it was of my own doing. 

I know how fortunate I am to call him my friend, and in my final few months in the Antipodes I plan on keeping it that way. The Captain will be my refuge as we slowly build our friendship again. Lord knows how I've missed him.


D. S.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Where has the time gone? 

I have barely spent a night at home since my last post and though there is much to say I can't even think where to start. 

Biting my tongue, my fingers hover over the page as I'm drawn to distraction thinking over the last few days. Of course I forgave the Captain, I was just unprepared for seeing him. I had no way of gauging how I would feel, how he would treat me and the bump of my heart as I saw him walk towards me frightened me with its intensity. 

Even though he has asked for my forgiveness he did not make it easy for me. A twinkle in his eye made me blush with embarrassment as I remembered the Rowing Ball and my misbehaviour but those were not the only memories that flooded my thoughts. I remember the night he took me to the West Coast so we could watch the sunset together, the days on the beach, the walks in the sunshine... Why did I throw that all away for a little inebriated fun?

I don't quite know what will happen next with the Captain. I know that I still need to let the latest gentleman know that his affections are no longer wanted, but I'm dreadful at letting people down. I'm hoping that by ignoring his advances he might get the hint! 

But once again I am pinning my hopes on the Captain even though I think friendship is all he wants, and that is still more than I deserve...


D. S.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

After barely mentioning the young Captain last post, I feel I could write reams about how much I miss him and how hard I have tried to ignore the ache in my chest as I spend time with the olive-skinned brunette or the new gentleman.

The young Captain has contacted me again.

Of course this removed all thoughts of Irish widowers and younger suitors from my mind, and though I am supposed to be seeing the new suitor tonight I may have to cancel as my heart is once again all aflutter. Should I feel guilty for leading the poor gentleman on? Possibly... But who can truly control their emotions? And I have never denied how I felt about the young Captain, I just thought it was over for good.

His note however, screams of optimism... 

This is the first time he has asked for my forgiveness and I know already I want to give it without a second thought, but out of the corner of my eye I can see the brunette shaking her head ever so slightly, wary of my eager reply. And this of course is causing a slight hesitation.

I shall forgive him, in my heart of hearts I was never angry with him, only at myself. But I may take a few days to let him know... He has made me wait over a month to forgive me after all!

My latest dilemma is how to let down the latest gentleman. He is a sweetheart and truly kind, but the thought of him doesn't tug at my emotions nor set my blood pumping. I do feel guilt at this predicament, and I will do my best to let him down gently, but it's the Captain! How can I ignore him, even after all this time?


D. S.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

It seems I have become somewhat of a magnet for younger men. Three proposals I have had today from various men while I toiled away at my latest fancy. 

I turned them all down of course, but not without fluttering my eyelashes, and giving them a coy smile. They'll all be back, hoping for more, but unless one of them manages to match up to the young Captain, they don't stand a chance at winning my heart.

Summer has truly arrived as I while away days on various beaches with my old brunette lover. We have spent rather a lot of time in the sun, and are both currently a rather pink hue, but hopefully it will fade so that her olive-skin stays one colour and I go back to a rather golden complexion.

Not only have I had several eighteen year old admirers, but I too had a gift bought for me by an Irish widower. Double my age he was with a daughter half again, but they entertained me for a fair while as I styled the young miss, and not long after they had left he had returned with a small wrapped parcel! An eau de parfum of jasmine and apple blossom was prettily ribboned much to my surprise. I tried to refuse such a personal gift, but the Irishman was rather insistent even though he left no name nor address.

It seems I may have to cope with an onslaught of younger suitors for the time being... I do still have the latest gentleman as a rather persistent admirer and I truly enjoy his company but I feel a little guilty for leading him on when my intentions are much purer than his. 

What on Earth is happening to me? I feel guilt and I care about someone other than myself. Things are not right!


D. S.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

This is my third new year since I started writing where once again my resolutions are to do with the heart, and have yet again been broken only days later...

No, I have not fallen head over heels in love with a new beau, but rather I'm still in love with the young Captain and it took a new love interest to help me come to terms with this disturbing revelation.

I know I have been harping on about him for some months now but he somehow stole my heart and as he has disappeared from my life he kept it, never giving me the opportunity to remove the pain of his absence from my life. All it took to shock me into this realisation was another man's attentions. During New Year's Eve I seemed to catch one of the olive-skinned brunette's male friend's eye and we have kept in touch over the last few days, even spending most of last night together. However, contrary to what she believes, my heart is not all aflutter.

The darling gentleman is truly a sweetheart and according to the olive-skinned brunette he is rather infatuated with me. I know it sounds dreadful if I say that is hardly surprising... I was the epitome of virtue on New Year's Eve, refusing several midnight kisses as I tried to ignore the sadness in my stomach of my parents and brother leaving for the Shire within the next few days.

My brother unfortunately drank far more than usual, but I think it was his way to say goodbye, or at least that is what I told Mother the following day! The evening was wonderful and I enjoyed everyone's company immensely, but now that my Mother, Father and brother have left I think of the Shire, and though I miss it I know I'll miss my family more.

The new gentleman has tried to appease my sorrow by keeping me entertained, but he has neither the charm of Stone Mason or the allure of my young Captain... He could do with a lesson from the Peacock gentleman in confidence too. There are moments too, when he looks at me which remind me of the young Captain, the look he had purely for me before I flirted my way out of our relationship... And it is that look which gives me the pang in my heart for the young Captain. Already has resolution number one been broken.

Darlings, I hope you all had a wonderful start to the new year.


D. S.